It Doesn’t Get Better Than This…

That’s what my doctor said to me at our appointment just before transfer yesterday. This has been a phenomenal cycle, the kind I’ve only ever read about before from others… never for me, so I’m a bit in awe that it’s actually happening.

Of our 20 embryos, 15 were of freezable quality – two were hatching and graded 5AA – we opted to transfer one of the hatching 5AA  blasts and to freeze the next top 10 embryos and discard the rest. I realise that sounds harsh but we had to consider what the point of freezing them would be when realistically I am only prepared to come back for one more cycle and even that is questionable right now, I’m pretty over all of this and want to get on with our lives. Even 10 being frozen seems excessive, but you never know what can happen and I want to assure we have at least one top quality one if we come back or we might do PGD on them if we have to come back one more time, it just gives us options really.

So the bottom right embryo was transferred yesterday and I’m feeling very positive and hopeful that this might just be the sibling we’ve been chasing.

I went for acupuncture with a lovely lady named Sarah Hewland who fitted me in on short notice and I’ll see her again on Friday for a second session.

I have two more days in Cape Town – most of it will be spent bumming around, I’m going to head up to the movies in a bit and see Passenger in 3D, eat some popcorn and might even head to another session in the afternoon and see Sing! I never get to go to the movies at home so it’s a bit of a treat and two in one day is unheard of! Tomorrow I’m having a facial in the morning, acupuncture,  then going to pick up some Wonki Ware homewares I purchased the other day (the lovely lady is packing it for travel for me) and buying a few gifts for family.  I’ll then have dinner in the top end restaurant downstairs here at the hotel and try to get a good nights rest before the flight home on Saturday. It’s been a nice trip, I’m missing the family of course but it’s been relatively stress free and enjoyable – I feel relaxed and happy that we’ve done everything we can this cycle. The rest is up to the embryo.

Negative

So it’s a negative still at 8dp5dt – if we got a positive overnight before my BT tomorrow it would be a miracle and I don’t necessarily believe in miracles. So I think I pretty much came to terms with it not working yesterday (and finally slept last night as a result) my husband on the other hand only started to process it last night. He said he barely slept and was upset about the baby… it breaks my heart. This was to be the last roll of the ivf dice. This morning he started talking about trying again with E’s donor next year. The thing is we are broke, we are living from pay check to pay check and have no savings left (IVF will do that to you!) the only way we could do this last cycle was that Grandma gave us 10k to facilitate it. We had a quick talk about things – we have the 2 frosties, but in all honesty they are both 3ABs and to me it’s not worth the time, money or effort to do that trip again for 2 x 3ABs when we didn’t get a positive on a fresh cycle with them. I have a confession to make, I actually found out who our donor was not long after locking her in and paying our money – she had some pretty identifying things in her profile, and while everything checked out with her in that she was lovely, kind and who she said she was, in every second photo she had a beer in her hand. I can’t help think that booze combined with the fact that she was in a long term relationship using no contraception, had no pregnancies, crazy high AMH that she had compromised eggs. But you find this out later I guess right?

So here is my plan … I’m having my weightloss surgery by January (God knows where we will come up with that $5k but we will find a work around). I’ll go back to work in January, we will pay down our current debt, I need 18 months to recuperate from WLS as well. I mentioned to my husband we could potentially ask E’s donor to donate again when she is ready next year do a freeze all cycle with his sperm we have over there and then I return for a 4 day FET once my 18 months is up for recovery. The only flaw in all of this is that I would be 45/46 for the potential baby. This is the thing that my husband has issue with.  I’ll give him a couple of months to think about things. As I said to him, I could feel like 25 after I lose this weight – in fact I’m sure I’ll feel a hell of a lot better.

In that time, we may get over it all…. or maybe we won’t?

Losing Hope…

Here we are at 7dp5dt again and my tests are still negative. I thought I saw a shadow of a shadow on an internet cheapie at 4am (yes 4am) but the next test was stark bold white and so was the FRER.

I’m having to ease myself into thinking this probably hasn’t worked.  That E will be an only child and I’ll have to adjust my reality of what our life will be.  It’s not helping that I’ve had approx 9 hours sleep since leaving Cape Town on Sunday night – I’m just up all night thinking and this morning, crying. I don’t often cry in all of this but it’s getting the better of me tonight/today.

I Wish She Didn’t Say That…

I emailed the clinic yesterday for an update on whether we had any embryos make it to freezing. The embryologist was quick at getting back to me to say we had two 3AB Blastocycsts frozen, then she went on to say we’d transferred 2 x 3AB embryos the other day. So pretty average quality.  I was pretty positive before I read that, and now not so much… I also noticed on the embryoscope there was no ‘expanding’ of the blasts before the video ended… so here I am mulling things over. I know some bad looking embryos make some good looking babies and all that but at the moment I’m a bit deflated. 3dp5dt now and we leave tomorrow morning so the POAS marathon will start when we get home.

I Just Hate The Two Week Wait…

This is some kind of cruel torture for IVF women this two week wait caper! Last time, with E… I got off the plane from Cape Town in the evening, in the door, impatiently waited for the house sitter to leave, peed on a stick and there was a faint line at 5dp5dt. Hurrah. This time, I’m currently very early in the morning of 5dp5dt and E woke up at 3am with bad wind pain, and when E has bad wind pain, she will blow the house down with her howls. So I got her up for some tummy massage and a little bottle… peed on a stick, settled her again. Went back in and checked my stick and … BFN.  Of course I feel a bit deflated, but I also know it’s probably too early yet. Jeckyll and Hyde again – calm and rational me, meets hysterical irrational me ten times a day at the moment.

In other news – yesterday I had leg cramps, a headache, stomach pains, the trots (sorry) and to end the night queasiness. All of those I thought were very good signs to have.  And after I settled E this morning, I still had my headache and the queasiness still and was nauseated hanging over the toilet for a while there… and now again… insomnia.

Someone just put me out of my misery.

4DP5DT…just

Home again and not without drama. I left Cape Town at 7pm local time,  via Johannesburg, then Perth Australia, I had a 4 hour wait in Perth before my final flight home to Melbourne. So I cleared customs and then re checked my bag for the final leg straight away in Perth. My original plan was to do my medications in Perth as it would be almost time for gestone etc. I thought I’d pack a number of meds in my carry on, on arrival I realised I’d packed all the needles, swabs, band aids etc. and forgotten the gestone vials, they were all in my checked baggage. No drama I think, I’ll just do one as soon as I get home or even at Melbourne airport before I jumped into a cab home. I didn’t get in until about 1130pm local time.

My flights were all uneventful and on time thankfully – I arrive into Melbourne excited to be home and to see E and hubby… waiting for my bag at the carousel, waiting, waiting, all other bags come off then conveyor belt stops. My bag with my meds (not to mention everything else I own) is not there.  By this stage it’s almost midnight. I go to baggage services, they ring the Perth office. My bag is there, a 4 hour flight away. I burst into tears at the desk and explain to her all my medications that I should be taking NOW are in that bag. I think I dropped a few F bombs at her, cried hysterically, felt my progesterone dropping as we were speaking (not really but you know what I mean) I was irrational, I’d been on the road for 29 hours by this stage and I just wanted to be home with newly topped up gestone in my being. I’d checked that bag with 4 freaking hours to spare, how could it miss the connection? The solution was to put it on the next flight as the airline didn’t even start to courier ‘delayed’ (read lost by incompetence baggage) until 8.30am the next morning. The next flight got in at 5am so I told them I would meet that flight and collect it, I couldn’t be waiting all day for some courier delivery. I called my husband absolutely hysterical convinced I’d lose this embryo once my levels dropped. I emailed/texted anyone I knew in Melbourne who might have some progesterone left over from their cycles but as it was the middle of the bloody night no one heard my call.  The cab ride home (about 36 minutes of it) I blubbered the whole way, I really feel for that cab driver in hindsight.

So my homecoming was not the joyous event I wanted it to be, it consisted of my husband talking me down from my jet lagged and hormone induced hysteria. Me beside myself with worry and trying to find any form of progesterone I might have and going through old drawers like a mad woman. There was none. E woke up momentarily and saw me from the cot so I gave her a pat and a shoosh but that was it, she was really excited to see me and was squirming around blowing raspberries at me and wiggling her whole body, so we had a cuddle and a kiss… and I tried to re-settle her. By this stage it’s 1am and I have to get up again around 4am to meet this next flight. I am beyond tired by this point and remember that I have provera which is a form of progesterone (it can be used to bring on AF or to delay AF) and while not ideal as luteal support would be a port in this progesterone storm so to speak.  I don’t sleep. I lay in bed for an hour then get up and watch TV, E is restless around 4am so I get her up for a bottle, give hubby a poke (there’s no way I could drive) we get dressed, put the two dogs in the car and head to the airport. Thankfully the flight is on time and on it is a whole AFL football team who have played a match in Perth the night before, so of course EVERY bag that comes off the conveyor belt is a Richmond Football Club bag.  I look over at ‘baggage services’ where I lost my shit the night before and there is my bag. I felt like angels sang when I saw it.  We all head back to the car – husband gives me an injection in the arse and we all head home. I’m finally in bed at 7am…

In other news I’m just coming up to 4 days past my 5 day transfer. I’ve already peed on a stick, you know I have. And you would know like me that it was negative… way too early. If you take into account time differences it’s still only 3.5dp5dt in Cape Town so I’m really just peeing on those sticks to keep myself amused at this stage. I was trying to tell myself I wouldn’t do it until 5dp5dt but lets face it, I’m weak.

I’ve had a few twinges here and there, hot flashes, cramps in my calves and legs and it would seem, insomnia (considering I’m up typing this at 3.30am) but all that can be attributed to drugs, long haul flights and jet lag.  I also had a bit of spotting on the toilet paper when I got home hysterical last night – I was convinced then it was my progesterone dropping, but perhaps, fingers crossed it might have been something else. I’m trying to visualise my little embryo currently nestling into my uterine wall and dividing and growing.  In a couple more days we’ll know…. But God I hate the two week wait!

1dp5dt~Symptom Spotting

20150601_073056Sad I know, but it’s already started. Were those cramps I was feeling last night laying in bed watching some Godawful Katherine Heigl movie? Was that hot flush a progesterone rush or a symptom? Is there are reason I couldn’t get enough of the cranberry and beetroot juice at the breakfast buffet this morning?

Last cycle all I remember was feeling flushed and hot on the flight home to the point where then flight attendant asked if I was ok as my face was all red, I might have had a few cramps here and there on the cable car up to table mountain the day after transfer as well, my boobs were tender, but all that can be fobbed off as progesterone symptoms as well.

Just on the progesterone. I am having to give myself Progesterone in oil injections daily – now I’m used to injecting myself with clexane daily but that’s fine as it goes in your stomach and while not generally pleasant, they are easy to administer. PIO injections aren’t that easy as you have to twist around to inject them in your butt and the needle is long! But this morning, I finally got my technique right!  I was so proud of myself but there was no one around to admire my handiwork… if there were, I’d be getting them to inject me.

I’m heading home tonight. The hotel has kindly let me have a late check out at 2pm as my flight doesn’t leave until about 6pm local time. I was dreading the thought of just hanging around in the foyer or worse still, the airport until departure. So I have a pedicure/foot massage booked at 11.30am, then I’ll head back to my room, do my final packing have a quick shower and vacate at 2pm, maybe have a late lunch and head to the airport around 3.30pm.

I’m so looking forward to seeing my family on my return. We had a quick Skype this morning and E looked like she was trying to eat the laptop to get at me. It always makes me a bit weepy to see her but I love seeing her little smiling face.

So here I am willing my little 4AB to kick in… I was speaking it him/her last night and telling them what wonderful things that await should they stick around. Let’s hope they got the message.