Negative

So it’s a negative still at 8dp5dt – if we got a positive overnight before my BT tomorrow it would be a miracle and I don’t necessarily believe in miracles. So I think I pretty much came to terms with it not working yesterday (and finally slept last night as a result) my husband on the other hand only started to process it last night. He said he barely slept and was upset about the baby… it breaks my heart. This was to be the last roll of the ivf dice. This morning he started talking about trying again with E’s donor next year. The thing is we are broke, we are living from pay check to pay check and have no savings left (IVF will do that to you!) the only way we could do this last cycle was that Grandma gave us 10k to facilitate it. We had a quick talk about things – we have the 2 frosties, but in all honesty they are both 3ABs and to me it’s not worth the time, money or effort to do that trip again for 2 x 3ABs when we didn’t get a positive on a fresh cycle with them. I have a confession to make, I actually found out who our donor was not long after locking her in and paying our money – she had some pretty identifying things in her profile, and while everything checked out with her in that she was lovely, kind and who she said she was, in every second photo she had a beer in her hand. I can’t help think that booze combined with the fact that she was in a long term relationship using no contraception, had no pregnancies, crazy high AMH that she had compromised eggs. But you find this out later I guess right?

So here is my plan … I’m having my weightloss surgery by January (God knows where we will come up with that $5k but we will find a work around). I’ll go back to work in January, we will pay down our current debt, I need 18 months to recuperate from WLS as well. I mentioned to my husband we could potentially ask E’s donor to donate again when she is ready next year do a freeze all cycle with his sperm we have over there and then I return for a 4 day FET once my 18 months is up for recovery. The only flaw in all of this is that I would be 45/46 for the potential baby. This is the thing that my husband has issue with.  I’ll give him a couple of months to think about things. As I said to him, I could feel like 25 after I lose this weight – in fact I’m sure I’ll feel a hell of a lot better.

In that time, we may get over it all…. or maybe we won’t?

Leap of Faith…

And so we’re going for it – I was all Valium-ed up, bladder full and ready to be told it was going to be a day 3 transfer when my doctor called us in to look at the embryoscope. 3 are doing well he said and one slightly behind but he expects we would have at least 2 on day 5 to transfer. So we booked in for midday transfer on Wednesday and off we went. Very relieved that we’ll get our day 5 after all. We will leave Cape Town knowing we’ve done all we can now.

D Day and V Day…

Is it wrong that I’m really looking forward to 10mgs of Valium this morning?


I’ve woken up early because the baby was grizzling in the cot (5.30am thank you very much) she’s subsequently gone back to sleep and I’m having a sneaky cup of tea and alone time downstairs.


It’s possible transfer day today and according to one very well regarded fertility specialist in Australia it’s advisable to have 10mgs of Valium an hour prior to transfer to relax the uterus (he also advises a nip of whiskey or brandy for blood flow but it’s a bit early in the day even for me) . We could potentially be having our transfer today so I have to cover all bases and take that Valium at 9am. If those 4 embryos are looking great and we decide to go to day 5, well I’ll just be very vague for the rest of the day and do it all again on Wed! If we do transfer today then it’s back to the couch and some trashy rom coms for me.


I have to say my husband is loving this as it’s also recommended to have sex the night before/day of transfer to prime the uterus with sperm so he’s really making sure we cover that base. Poor bugger has been a bit deprived since the baby arrived. Can’t say it’s ever on my ‘to do’ list anymore. I’m hoping once all the drugs stop and I drop some weight things will equalise in this department.


If I’m completely honest, I’m really not holding much hope for these embryos – I’m not entirely sure why but call it gut feel. I’m fully expecting to get in there today and they will say that all of them have arrested. If this does happen we will be offered frozen eggs from the egg bank and a different donor I’m pretty sure – everyone gets a transfer at CFC and that’s part of the reason I use them. I can’t help wondering now, what was thinking choosing a 25 year old donor who has a long term boyfriend,uses no contraception and has never been pregnant? You get all this info on their profile by the way, but I didn’t twig that this could be an issue until we were well into the process. I had her AMH tested and it came back on the high end of the scale, her resting follicle count was good. But I’ve had this nagging feeling about the fact there’s never been a ‘whoops’ moment with someone sexually active not using contraception. Just like me, the infertile. Anyway – there’s nothing for it now… we have to see this through.


Not sure what we’ll walk in to at 10am but I know I’m still not emotionally caught up in all of this – I’m practical, methodical, tactical, but not emotional. Now pass me that valium.

Up All Night

Stupid IVF keeping me awake at night.  Well actually the baby woke for a bottle at 2.30am and then I couldn’t get back to sleep, it doesn’t help that the bed here is the most uncomfortable one I’ve encountered in ages. Cottage charm I guess, but I could do without hearing the gristle in my back crunch every time I roll over during the night. Add to that I’ve started progesterone in oil needles in my hips and I can no longer move to my sides. So here I am at 4am local time having a cuppa and contemplating day 3 vs day 5 embryos while the rest of the world sleeps.  And my conclusion is…. well the jury is still out.

If you go by Dr Sher’s advice (and I often do) I’m better off opting for day 5 – if I go by anecdotal evidence from bubhub day 3 is fine and has resulted in many many babies from those using young donor eggs.  In reality I know I should just wait and see what the 4 look like on Monday and take it from there. We could rock up and they have all arrested. Who knows?

I won’t miss this, the second guessing, the long wait for answers and even then the answers are only temporary until the next hurdle. With every passing moment I’m waving goodbye to IVF. Last synarel sniff ever, last lining scan, last fertilisation report and so on until IVF is no more in my life. Goodbye to the lot of you.

The Great Decline…

7 down to 4… you think after all this IVF I’d be used to the great decline in numbers wouldn’t you? Over the past 5 years I’ve learned that when they tell you a rough follicle count you can halve that to how many eggs you’re going to get, then when they tell you the egg retrieval number you normally get 75% of that to fertilise, by day 5 you’re often lucky to get half again. So we’ve gone from 15 follicles to 7 eggs, to 4 fertilised and I think we’ll likely get 2 on day 5, but they are pushing for a day 3 transfer now. I got the call this morning.
I’m in two minds, I mean this is our last shot, we don’t want frosties, we want to close the door on all of this, if we’re going down I want to do it in a blaze of glory or something. I asked the Dr via email if we can opt to push out transfer to day 5 – his response was muddled – maybe he’s never had anyone ask to go all Thelma and Louise on his ass with their embryos. He said if there are only a few fertilised they normally do a day 3 transfer… we can look at them on Monday (day 3)  and determine the best ones – truth is one or two might drop off by then anyway so we might not have any choice.

So we’ll go in Monday and take a look at them – take on his advice and likely have our transfer.

It’s never straightforward!

The Cottage…

We moved into the little cottage we hired off Airbnb yesterday afternoon. I really should take photos of these places before we unpack one item because as soon as we enter a building these days it’s like chaos and messiness follows us not soon after and every photo opportunity for how good things look is quickly gone. It really is a lovely old restored cottage in the Rondebosch/Newlands area of Cape Town, so not too far from the clinic, nice an quiet which is what we like and beautifully decorated. But … it has no TV or stereo. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I need a TV or radio in my life… it was funny, after the owner did her little orientation of the place and left us with the keys about 5 mins later my husband goes, where’s the TV? And I’m like, surely there’s a tv? A radio? And we just looked at each other incredulously. It’s not like this place is solely a holiday rental, they live here. I’ve met some people who don’t like TVs and I kind of get that, but radio/music? Never come across that… it’s almost Amish to me.  So after kissing my laptop about one thousand times and thanking the technology Gods that I had the foresight to bring it along with it’s VPN and Netflix/Hulu/iview/4oD/BBC etc. we looked at upping our data plan on our wireless internet to get us through the next 10 days. For approx. $108 AUD per night we have a lovely place all to ourselves which is far better than any hotel – there’s also a little courtyard and BBQ area out the back which will be nice for a few of the sunny afternoons coming up.

Yesterday was spent getting out of the hotel and lunch at the The Pot Luck Club which is the sister restaurant to The Test Kitchen where we dined last time and had an amazing degustation dinner.  The Pot Luck Club is a far more casual tapas experience right at the top of The Biscuit Mill in Woodstock so you get a brilliant view across most of Cape Town – it’s really worth a visit here if you’re coming to Cape Town for all the great shops and restaurants in the complex – there’s great deli’s, cafes, galleries, clothing stores and even a chocolate factory.  We had a great lunch and again E was on best behavior charming waiters and waitresses a like – she’s started doing this little chair dance thing when she gets excited – so she was boogieing along the whole way through lunch. She tried a few things too and now is a big fan of chickpea fries and duck.

The rest of the afternoon was grocery shopping and moving here to the cottage. We are exhausted by 8pm every night – so it’s early to bed and early to rise (it’s about 5am here now). The husband has to work today, so we’ll just be hanging out at the house. I might pop up the road and buy a book… I didn’t bring my tablet to download ebooks.  It’s a official. I’m a slave to technology.

Cape Town Love.

We have arrived in lovely Cape Town again! The flight with a 10 month old teething baby was hellish to say the least – I really felt for my husband as she wouldn’t have a bar of me and would only sit on his lap or fall asleep on him. I was not good enough. So 22 hours later he was very glad to have a break from her. She grizzled for about 85% of the flight and fitfully napped for the remainder.  Let me just say, I’m looking into how much it will cost us to do a stop over in Singapore airport on the way back to save all our sanity.

It was lining scan time for me today and things are looking good in uterus town, currently I’m sitting at about 9,7mm – donor is a little behind in follicle growth so they will stim her for a few days longer and egg collection is now looking like Friday instead of Wed. This has thwarted all my intentions of testing before we fly home as it pushes out transfer to the 18th of September and we fly home on the 20th, that might just be a good thing though I guess.

My Doctor said my donor is really sweet and had around 14 follicles at her scan currently between 10 to 15 mm so by Friday will be ready to go. It’s weird, but I’m not at all stressed about this cycle… like no stress… which is really not like me.

We’ve not done too much since arriving, just trying to all get in the time zone. The baby has had a couple of total jetlag meltdowns which is to be expected, but in general she’s doing well. We are currently staying at the Cape Heritage Hotel, very quirky and boutique in the Malay Quarter, it’s a great spot and I’m loving the uniqueness of the place, it was built in 1708 so it’s all creaky old floorboards, vaulted ceilings, internal courtyard with great restaurants opening into it, it’s right on Bree Street so lots of things to do around here.  We are moving to our airbnb cottage tomorrow which will be good in the fact that it will be quieter for E and we won’t have to tip toe around when she’s asleep. But look at this place… so cute! Here’s the original building back in 1910 or something.

 

 

 

1dp5dt~Symptom Spotting

Sad I know, but it’s already started. Were those cramps I was feeling last night laying in bed watching some Godawful Katherine Heigl movie? Was that hot flush a progesterone rush or a symptom? Is there are reason I couldn’t get enough of the cranberry and beetroot juice at the breakfast buffet this morning?

Last cycle all I remember was feeling flushed and hot on the flight home to the point where then flight attendant asked if I was ok as my face was all red, I might have had a few cramps here and there on the cable car up to table mountain the day after transfer as well, my boobs were tender, but all that can be fobbed off as progesterone symptoms as well.

Just on the progesterone. I am having to give myself Progesterone in oil injections daily – now I’m used to injecting myself with clexane daily but that’s fine as it goes in your stomach and while not generally pleasant, they are easy to administer. PIO injections aren’t that easy as you have to twist around to inject them in your butt and the needle is long! But this morning, I finally got my technique right!  I was so proud of myself but there was no one around to admire my handiwork… if there were, I’d be getting them to inject me.

I’m heading home tonight. The hotel has kindly let me have a late check out at 2pm as my flight doesn’t leave until about 6pm local time. I was dreading the thought of just hanging around in the foyer or worse still, the airport until departure. So I have a pedicure/foot massage booked at 11.30am, then I’ll head back to my room, do my final packing have a quick shower and vacate at 2pm, maybe have a late lunch and head to the airport around 3.30pm.

I’m so looking forward to seeing my family on my return. We had a quick Skype this morning and E looked like she was trying to eat the laptop to get at me. It always makes me a bit weepy to see her but I love seeing her little smiling face.

So here I am willing my little 4AB to kick in… I was speaking it him/her last night and telling them what wonderful things that await should they stick around. Let’s hope they got the message.

Lining Scan

Lining check went really well thankfully and currently sitting at 8.7mm which is great. I like the doctors confidence in saying ‘so lets get E a sibling!’.  So it’s transfer for me on Wednesday at 11.15! It all feels a bit surreal at the moment that I could possibly be pregnant again by the end of next week. I better get in a few wines between now and then, but in all honesty I have a bit of traveler’s tummy so have been laying very low.

I had a massage yesterday which wasn’t all that good, and I was stressed that she was running behind and I had an hour between appointments to get to the clinic, stressed that I had no phone to call a cab after the clinic and just a bit stressed that I had my lining scan coming up and would my body finally be doing the right thing by me?  And also the masseuse was not very good, so probably not the best time for a massage.  To add insult to injury, at the end of the massage she did a head massage but her hands were full of oil, so I came out looking like someone had just dropped my hair in a deep fryer and had to hightail it to the clinic looking like that! Gross.

Getting around has been stressful… tried to leave the hotel with Uber only to promptly find my account has been banned. I’m not sure how this is even possible when I’ve never actually used it? I’ve just installed the app and put my paypal on file. So running a bit behind and not having the time to deal with it I asked the hotel to get me a cab and this lovely guy drives up – I jump in and he drives me to the clinic. He takes my room number to chargeback to the hotel and advises he is the hotel cab driver. That’s great I think and go to my appointment.  After the appointment I get the clinic to call me a cab to go back to the hotel.  Later in the afternoon I want to go to the waterfront so again ask the hotel to call me a cab… and the guy from this morning pulls up… turns out he had actually waited for me outside the clinic to drive me back to the hotel. I had no idea he was going to do that and felt terrible… but at the same time, he wasn’t very clear. I don’t like the idea of someone waiting for me, i like to do things in my own time. But ended up using him to get back to the hotel again as I still had no phone. Using him was no cheap exercise though at  $360R which is about $36 AUD – we did get stuck in traffic on our return but I can’t help but think a normal cab would have been cheaper. If only Uber would bloody work, I’m sure that would be cheaper still. I still haven’t heard back from them.

So it’s 2am here, or it was when I woke up. I got back to the room thinking I’d have some room service dinner and watch a movie on my laptop but passed out at 7pm on the bed with the tv on… and woke up at 2am… now I’m starving and all I have to eat are some lollies I bought the other day. I don’t think my stomach will forgive me if I do that to it, so it’s cups of tea until breakfast starts at 6am. I’m hoping I can get another nap in before then though.

I picked up my Gestone/PIO/progesterone in oil shots yesterday – 10 weeks worth … the nurse said to me ‘ýou’re a brave woman taking on 10 weeks of this!’, but I did it last time and felt much more secure in using the injections over crinone. I have enough padding on my arse to buffer most of the injections, but I have to say I’m not looking forward to doing them myself. I’m used to giving myself needles but these ones are big and I have to twist around to do it and can only inject in a specific part of your butt cheek so that you don’t hit a major blood vessel, I got her to draw the quadrants on my arse in marking pen so I can just aim and shoot so to speak, I’m sure I’ll get used to it.

I’m catching up with a couple of ladies and their hubby’s  from the forums tomorrow night which should be good. It’s always good to have a de-brief on these cycles. Last year we met up with a few other couples and had a great couple of dinners out. It’s funny but the men got as much out of it as the women – they take on just as much as us in this infertility caper and I think sometimes we forget. It was great to hear them talking about all the wacky trying to conceive stuff they had done over the years and just how bizarre their wives can become in this process (present company very much included). It should be a good night.

In news from the home front, hubby reported that E woke up with a wind episode and Grandma lost it saying she should go to hospital! No love, she just needs some good farts and she’ll be fine. I also suggested to the husband that Grandma might like to hold off on the yoghurt for a while as perhaps that’s not helping things. Poor little mite, apparently she’s back to her (good) self today, but I had to laugh at Grandma’s reaction.  I think she’ll be very glad for me to return next week somehow.

Back in Cape Town

It’s almost 5am and I’ve just woken up after 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. You would think this would make me happy but I miss my family, more than I actually thought I would. It started before I’d even left Australia, waiting to board my first flight there were babies everywhere and my heartstrings were tugging. By the time I got to Johannesburg I was ready to cry at the drop of a hat, but when it really hit me was when I opened the door to my hotel room in Cape Town and looked around thinking, it’s all well and good. But they aren’t here.

While I waited for my room to be ready yesterday morning I Skyped with them quickly, but it was hard to hear in the foyer with waterfalls and some rennovations going on, so I’m hoping that we might be able to connect soon and have a chat.  Leaving Edie was hard. I cried in the days leading up to departing, I cried most of the morning that I actually left. Poor kid must have been wondering why I was squeezing her so tight every 10 minutes.  I didn’t get much of a reaction on Skype which isn’t surprising given the quality of the call, but I think it would have been worse for me if she looked like she desperately missed me!

I’ve had trouble getting my phone set up here and I feel very anxious about it, I don’t like being a foreign country without mobile internet or at the very least calling ability. I wanted to use Uber to get around and can’t do that without internet… I’m so dependent on internet now, once it’s gone it’s like someone has chopped an arm off! I have free wifi in the hotel thank god or I would have gone into a real decline. One option is to buy a really cheap base level smart phone here, which is seeming like a good option and just use my phone for browsing etc. while in the hotel.

I have to remind myself why I am here (to be honest, while I do all this touristy type of stuff it’s easy to forget!) it’s my lining scan today and I’m hoping it’s looking good. That’s my first hurdle and the next is hoping like crazy that my embryos thaw. I’m wondering, if my lining looks good today if we have to wait until the 3rd to transfer… I’m not sure, I guess the synarel would have to leave my system and the gestone/progesterone would need to build up, so I think I’ve answered my own question there.

Cape Town was very dark and gloomy when I arrived in and didn’t improve much most of my first day. The mountain sets the eco system for the hotel where I’m staying – it can be sunny one side of the city near the bay but the mountain can be foggy and wet. It’s funny though, it was still about 19 degrees here yesterday so I was running around in my flip flops most of the day, all the locals were in sweaters and boots… I’m thinking it doesn’t get all that cold here.  I walked up to the shopping mall to get some tea and milk for my room as I like a few cuppas throughout the day – and was sweating when I got there as I took cues from the locals as to what to wear. At one point in the vodacom shop I thought I might have caught something on the plane and would be sick again for the whole holiday/cycle… and trust me ebola did cross my mind (they infrared screen your temperature at the j’burg airport now) but thankfully all that was needed was a good 12 hour sleep and a shower.

I think by the time I got to bed I’d been up about 31 hours.  Funny how having a baby primes you for international travel though, I didn’t even start to feel a bit off until I hit about 29 hours. I’m sleep deprivation fit now baby! Last time my husband almost had to pour me off the plane I was so wrecked.

So my day today will be pretty tame, I have a massage booked at 10am then my lining scan is at the clinic at midday, after that I might head to the waterfront for a look around as there are craft markets down there have some lunch and head back to the hotel in the early afternoon. I intend to get out and about a bit in the day and have most evenings in the hotel catching up on movies and sleep. I think I might actually do the Robben Island tour of Nelson Mandela’s prison this time as I didn’t get to do it last time I was here and it will break things up a bit next week.

Ok hotel breakfast is beckoning me now… how I’ve missed those!

Countdown….

Not long to go now – a month really…. I find my mind is more and more on the trip and I’m laying awake at night thinking of stupid things, like how will I get around in Cape Town by myself? Last time we hired a car and hubby would shuttle me anywhere I wanted to go or to appointments. This time I’m solo and I’m a slightly nervous solo traveller and I’ve never been overseas alone.  All the ladies on the forums are saying use Uber but I’m not sure I would feel 100% safe using Uber (anyone’s experiences would be appreciated!). I’m sure the hotel I’m staying at can recommend a reputable taxi company. Trouble is a lot of the things I need to do are only really 10 mins walk from the hotel… but again, I’m not sure if walking in the back streets Cape Town (even if in broad daylight) by myself as a woman would be safe.  So these are the things keeping me up… stupid.

I’m also dreading the flight over and back – it’s pretty hard going. Last time we flew Singapore airlines and it was a 9 hour trip to Singapore then a 11 hour flight to J’berg, stayed on the plane while they refuelled and then a 2 hour flight to Cape Town.

This time I’m going South African Airways – a 5 hour flight to Perth (3 hours on the ground) then a 11 hour flight to Jberg (1.5 hours on the ground) then 2 hours to Cape Town. So more time between flights – I think I actually prefer this with my Factor V – even though it means longer traveling time, I can walk around between flights and get my circulation going properly again. Either way I’m going to be a zombie when I get there and when I get home.

So still no AF – my cycles are wacky at the best of times, and according to my ‘old’ cycle before the miscarriage and before pregnancy it was averaging about 32 days – I was coming up near that last week and I thought ‘hmmm maybe I should get my baseline bloods done in case I’ve not ovulated.. don’t want to be stressing about AF being late when I am due to start the pill by May 6th’ so I phoned my FS office and got the referral and thank god I did as I hadn’t yet ovulated meaning AF was not on her way. So I started Provera  5 days ago now, last pill taken this morning and hopefully AF will show around next weekend.  All this in turn has moved my endometrial scratch out to May 18th…  but now that I’m popping pills, it really does feel like this cycle has started.

Is it wrong of me to say I’m looking forward to some time alone?  I think anyone who has just gone through the first 5 month of life with a very difficult baby would shout emphatically NO!! Trouble is, E is now in really delightful stage… no more wind, no more reflux, is mostly happy when she’s awake, smiles up a storm, thinks she is the funniest thing going now as she’s discovered how to blow raspberries and does it non stop!  I’ll miss her like crazy – but I’m also going to relish my time alone…  there will not be much sight seeing for me this trip… unless you count the hotel day spa.  It will be dinners and lunches down stairs in the hotels restaurants and gardens, a trip to the shopping mall where I plan to have this 2 hour treatment done – Metamorphasis  – http://rainafrica.com/spa/#rain-spa-treatments  – it’s basically a body scrub, massage that ends with being tickled by ostrich feathers.  I once said to my hubby, if I could just pay someone to tickle me with feathers (without any funny business) I’d get that over a massage any day.  So my dreams have come true. I’ll take a couple of trips into the V&A for lunch or dinner, but that will be the extent of my travels.

I’m staying at the same hotel again, the lovely Vineyard. I really can’t recommend this hotel enough for anyone going over there who is looking for quieter accommodation not far from CFC. http://www.vineyard.co.za/  the staff are fantastic, the food in all locations is brilliant and the best part is they have acres of beautifully landscaped grounds to go for a walk (or jog if you’re that way inclined) or just sit under a tree and people watch…. oh and the breakfast is brilliant!

So anyway – I’m getting excited about the trip… scared it might not work and the whole trip is for nothing, but also petrified it might work too well and we might end up with twins… (renovating and extending this tiny house we are in is my next project… I always need a project to keep me busy mentally)…  But in about 6 weeks we’ll all know the outcome won’t we?

Approaching 43

Yes, forty bloody three. I have to say up until about two weeks ago I was feeling every bit of it too. But something weird has happened since then, I think my pregnancy hormones have finally totally dissipated. I finished breastfeeding early in the new year so it’s taken this long to feel completely ‘normal’. My tendonitis has pretty much completely gone in both hands, my dicky knee is not as sore, my hair has started falling out en-masse which really thickened up during pregnancy. I also got really bitchy to be around for a week or so there (poor hubby). I have more energy and am generally happier.  Just in time to cycle again in two months hehe.  It’s not lost on me that I’ll likely only have one month of feeling totally back to normal before I start on estrogen/synarel again for my cycle in late May.

I’ve not become anxious about the cycle yet – it is far different to the first trip and while there’s a lot riding on it monetarily, I always have E to come home to so I don’t feel as anxious emotionally about it all. I also know that should it fail we will return for another cycle by the end of the year.  It would be fantastic if we didn’t have to, but if need be we’ll go again, and if at that point we are unsuccessful, we’ll call it a day on this ttc caper. So I guess because there’s no feeling of finality to this cycle, there is also no feeling of anxiety.

I’m seeing my specialist next week to get everything checked out, I’d be really interested to see where my hormones are at. I’ve still not had a period and I stopped breastfeeding around Jan 1, so I’m hoping we’ll get me on some provera to get things going in the right direction.

Husband is off to Amsterdam on Saturday – and E is now a bit more manageable and happy in herself so I’m not petrified of being left alone with her for two weeks straight. There is no way we would have gotten her passport organised in the time frame we had so she and I will just stay home and hang out.  I always have Grandma up the road to take her if I want to escape to lunch by myself one day or just need a break, but given how much fun she has been in the last 4 or so days, I’ll want to keep her to myself.

The Ghosts of Miscarriages Past…

Ok so I’ve only had one miscarriage but it is having a more profound effect on me than I thought it would now that I am pregnant again. To even write that feels weird at the moment as it still doesn’t feel quite real.  But I can’t help but fret, worry and compare this early pregnancy with my unsuccessful early pregnancy. I have to keep reminding myself that that pregnancy was a baby with two chromosonal abnormalities, this (in all likelihood) is not.

My second beta came through yesterday at 212, so just off the doubling point by 10. The GP was happy with this and in theory I should be happy with this but I still have that persistent worry in the back of my mind. It’s not quite doubling… should I be worried. My last one didn’t double in the time frame required. Why do I have to do another test in a week? My boobs don’t seem so sore…  yada yada yada.

At this point I’m jealous of The Unexpected Trip who embarked on a ‘numberless cycle’ and I’m wishing I had done the same, rather than googling my hcg level for the DPO I am ad nauseum after getting my results yesterday

I think once I get through this next beta and the first early scan I will relax somewhat from where I am at right now. It will be at that point that I’ll eclipse the ghost of miscarriages past and be moving into new and unexplored territory. Until then I think I have to accept that I’m just going to worry and that this fear is normal.  I have however, vowed to myself that I will not google one more time on hcg levels and will just ask the GP to let me know for the next call if it’s ok, or not and to post the results in a letter. I can open the letter much later and inform the clinic in SA (they request this info for their records). But for now I don’t need to know. Right now I need to take things easy, be kind to myself and this little peanut and get off google.

We are heading to our farm this weekend and I am really looking forward to it – I need a rainy weekend, cups of (low caffeine) tea,  no man made noise, vast mountainous views and nature.

 

 

3DP5DT and Other Infertility Speak

Funny how much you will google the bejesus out of the dpt (days past transfer) you are in the two week wait.  I don’t have much to do at the moment as we are just pretty much waiting to head home on that hellish 22 hour flight (shorter on the way back, yay!). So I have spent my last few nights just googling… and googling. Truth is, I quite enjoy it. Looking up the symptoms others got, going back over my fertility friend chart from my own BFP cycle in Nov… hmm noted hideous cramps in legs all day on 9dp5dt *make mental note*, I do have achy legs but I think that might have something to do with us going up Table Mountain yesterday. Don’t worry I didn’t actually climb the mountain, just took the cable car up. My boobs feel big… but I actually have big boobs… is that a vein popping up?  You get the drift. TWW nutty – that’s me. So nutty that when I woke up at 4am today at 3dp5dt I actually did a FRER… ridiculous! Of course it was BFN and I fully expected it to be. But if I’m completely honest with myself I’ve had a few niggles here and there in the nether regions, my legs do hurt to the point that I had to use some arnica deep heat oil on them last night and that’s about it at this stage.  It’s still too early for any real symptoms.

I made the husband drive past the cottage I like here this morning so I could check out the area it is in and to see if it is secure etc. if I do need to come back.  I’m not sure how I would deal with a BFN if it is one – I’m sure I’ll be upset, but I know that I will return to Cape Town fairly soon to try again. I also bought a couple of really cute lion baby onesies for the twin should it work out. See? Jekyll and  Hyde I told ya!