So part of the ‘luxury’ of doing the majority of my cycle from home and doing a ‘FIFO’ transfer in Cape Town is that my lining scan is done here. Normally at this point of the cycle I would need to be in Cape Town but to save costs I’m going at the last minute and leaving on Sunday morning to be in Cape Town for day 3 for any embryos which is this Monday.
Our donor will (hopefully) have egg retrieval this Friday – I hope to get an update today on how she is tracking and the go ahead for me to stop Synarel (looking forward to that 4 bottles later!) and start Gestone (not looking forward to that), I’m assuming she’ll have a scan today as she’ll need to trigger tonight if EPU is Friday. I’m getting antsy about updates now.
I’m so tired at the moment, yet completely wired on all the medications that insomnia is kicking in in full force every night no matter how tired I am. I also think it’s pre-cycle anxiety as well and a toddler who is waking during the night with molars breaking through. I bought some phenergan to get me through tonight, I just need one good chunk of sleep, work has been hellish to get through due to how foggy headed I’m feeling. I’m completely off my anxiety meds and now on 20 mgs of Prednisolone which is making me slightly ragey, but knowing I have 2 weeks off work as of Friday lunchtime is helping to get me through!
So I can tick one hurdle off the list and that is my lining scan. I’m currently sitting at 8.5mm the tech said… “almost 9.5 but I’m going to be conservative”. I’m ok with that, I still potentially have a week until my transfer so it will continue to grow a bit and was just on triple stripe now… and every girl wants a triple striped uterus don’t they?
In my positive skew for this cycle, everything has been a ‘last hurrah’ for all the things I might be giving up as of next week, pâté, triple cream brie (to go with my triple striped uterus no doubt), smoked salmon, my dear, dear Pinot Noir and icy cold ciders on a summer afternoon. Hopefully I will need to bid these things adieu for a a few months so I’m savouring the moment(s) like only a woman who has been pregnant before can.
I’ve stocked up our freezer with homemade meals too – because last time I was up the duff I could not face cooking at all (which is so un-me) so at least the family will have a chance of survival.
All I need now is an update from the Dr in Cape Town…
Just over a week until we leave now – I’m mentally trying to get my head around the trip and what I need to pack both for the house we’re staying at and for the flight. Travel takes on a whole new limiting dimension with a baby let me tell you!
I took E to the GP yesterday as the only other time she has flown she ended up with a perforated eardrum so I wanted to make sure she was looking good to fly and to have her ears checked again, all good at the moment. I also got my GP to give me 3 blood test referral forms so I don’t have to go back in if I do get a positive result, she’s promised to call me the moment any results come through. I also got a referral from her for weight loss surgery, so if this cycle is a bust then this is my new focus – I have battled with my weight my whole life, been on numerous diets since I was 15, gained and lost 30kgs about 5 times and I’m frankly sick of it. In the last 5 years things have really gone downhill though with my feet and pretty bad plantar fascia which makes it hard for me to exercise, when I do I’m in agony and limping around, my ankle is constantly swollen so I walk differently to take pressure off the ankle which in turn throws my back out. Yep I’m old and fat. I don’t want to be like this for E’s sake.. and I’ve also developed pre-diabetes so it’s time to do something about it. If I do get pregnant then I will be b doing the surgery soon after the delivery, I think the minimum is 8 weeks post C section, but I’ll discuss all this with the surgeon at the end of Oct during my consult.
The husband is still in Europe and home on Friday night thankfully! It’s been a pretty hard couple of weeks and we have 4 new teeth that are almost through. To be honest I’ve not really even given this cycle much thought, the donor agency contacted me last week saying that my donor was very excited to be starting her stims this week which is sweet. I think I’m looking forward to the family holiday as much as anything and the husband really needs some time off. I’m looking forward to tootling around Cape Town and seeing the sights – having a few wines by the ocean, eating good food and what happens with this cycle will happen. I’ve got to say it’s nice to be going into a cycle with no anxiety about the outcome. That could change in coming days but for now I’m feeling very Zen about it.
My room with a view this morning
So I think I have finally acclimatized – just in time to leave again! Not really but it kind of feels like it. Last night was the first where I have been able to stay up until about 11pm and sleep through until 6.30. All other days I’ve been falling asleep at 7pm and up at 4 or something stupid.
Had a good night last night catching up with some of the forum girls and their partners down at The Harbour House at the waterfront I’d been dreaming of going back there for dinner all year and it didn’t disappoint. Other than that I’ve been filling my days with going to the movies and idly strolling around shopping centers buying stuff for E and a couple of things for ‘hopefully new baby’. I’ve not bought myself anything yet, but don’t really feel the need to. I am however going to get my hair cut and coloured, and get two more massages and a pedi in before I leave.
It dawned on me this morning that I have two huge ‘bullseyes’ drawn in marking pen on my arse that I got the nurse to do so I know where to aim my progesterone injections as I’m doing them myself, worst part is I’ve tried to re-draw over the marking that the nurse made last week because they are fading… have you ever tried to draw a big square on your own butt cheek? Let’s just say straight lines are not in your favour. My arse looks like a 5 year old has taken to it with a sharpie. I’m going to have to explain that to my masseuse this afternoon or she’ll think I’m a loon, or that I have really bad taste in tattoos.
Not much else to report from here – I’m feeling calm. I miss my baby and my husband like crazy but at the same time am relishing this ‘me time’ God knows if this cycle is a success, it will be the last of it for a long time.
Have I mentioned I hate waiting? Well I do and I’m not very good at it. I tend to obsess over things, especially something as big as trying for a second baby. I’m excited to be going, but at the same time dreading leaving E for 10 days. She’ll be in the hands of Grandma (and dad but he works about 18 hours a day from home) so mainly grandma. They should be fine, and Grandma is really looking forward to it as hubby will just move into her place for the 10 days, she’s just up the road so it’s the easiest way for him. I joked this morning that I’ll probably return to a baby that sleeps through the night as husband can sleep through anything between midnight and 6am… whereas if she grunts the wrong way I fly out of bed over to the cot to check on her/settle her. Her sleeping really has gone backwards… between about 10w and 16w she would sleep from last feed at about 11pm until 7am…. we hit the 4 month sleep regression and suddenly there’s another feed in there at anywhere between 2am and 5am and it’s killer. I find lately I don’t get tired until about 1am, so I get to sleep then I’m woken again pretty much soon after, I get up zombie like and feed her, settle hier again and go back to bed. I’m spoilt in that hubby works from home so I give him a kick and say ‘this one is yours’ so he does the morning routine, feed/change and pops her on the play mat for an hour or so,now and I sleep until about 10am. Sounds like I’m lazy but I’m up half the bloody night. Once I am in bed at 1, all I can think about is the cycle in Cape Town. Oh and I also pulled a muscle on the right side of my back the other night leaping in and out of bed to settle E during the night. Seriously some nights I’m up about 20 times to pat/shoosh her. I’m exhausted! At least when she was a newbie she would actually sleep for 3 hour stretches when she went down now she’s grunting, wimpering, sometimes crying out in her sleep with a bad dream and I’m on high alert with my mummy ears and jumping up at every sound. And now, we are starting to teethe, t’s only tiny, but if I run my finger along her gum there’s a sharp little shard poking through. My little girl is growing up 😦 .
I’m having a blood test tomorrow to check I’m down regulated. I start all my other meds and injections on the 13th so not long to go now and the show is really on the road. Then on the 18th I’m having and endometerial scratch which I’m not looking forward to. We have two embryos left, and I really, really don’t want to end up with twins, not for having two babies at once although that would be hard, but I’m not entirely sure my body could take it. On the other hand it is a very long way to go for a FET. One embryo is graded 4AB and the other is a pre-blastocyst (so not even quite there) – if they were both top grade there’s no way I’d put two in, but because one in particular is a bit iffy sounding I’m contemplating the two. I guess I will have to see what happens when / if they thaw. The ‘if’ is also doing my head in… so much to worry about. Not enough hours in the day at the moment.
And the bitch is back. AF that is, not me. Woke up to her this morning which meant Synarel for breakfast …mmm yum.
It’s funny how much past experiences shape how you cope with current experiences, you see the last time I started my donor cycle, AF showed up for about 8 hours and then went AWOL, so now I’m paranoid that’s going to happen again. Running through my head are the words Just keep bleeding… never thought that phrase would be my personal mantra but today it is.
Getting geared up for my flight and excited now – bought myself some DIY moulded earphones from the States to try to make the flight more bearable. That will be my project tonight, moulding my own ears with hubby’s help – could be interesting! I’ve also ordered what is supposed to be the best travel pillow ever http://bit.ly/1GxvgbQ (will let you know how that goes), a 3D eye mask that has indents (or is it outdents) for your eyes so you don’t have fabric rubbing on your eyeballs and therefore sleep better. I also have my compression stockings from my C section, and have been organising hours of movies & TV shows for my SD card for phone/laptop/tablet, have bought an extra battery for my phone so can swap it out if need be. I’m considering buying a money belt for this trip as I will be solo and slightly paranoid about that.
Anyway – considering I feel a bit like crap today – I’m also a bit excited that the show is on the road!
Ahem… long time no type hey? But I figured we all needed a rest from me saying… I FINALLY feel like my body is back to its pre-pregnancy (albeit unfit) self. Yada yada yada. But guess what? I finally feel like my body is back to its pre-pregnancy unfit state! My hair has stopped falling out, my dicky knee is no longer dicky (unless I get down on that bloody stupid mat at mother’s group), hands are what they used to be and *fanfare* AF returned! So I’m cycling again… well not right now but will be in approximately two weeks.
I had my appointment with my fertility specialist in late March – I had to take the baby with me as hubby was overseas (and wasn’t that the longest two weeks of my life!) so I had no other option. I’d been out with friends for coffee in the morning and I’d teed up that a few weeks before knowing baby is at her best in the mid morning and slightly feral in the afternoons, so that’s how I’ve learned to schedule my days. Husband was given virtually no notice as per usual that he had to go to Europe and the specialist moved my appointment. So it was their fault really when we rocked up to her Marie Claire style office with E screaming her lungs out and a full stinky nappy. I asked where I might find baby change facilities in a hospital that is also an IVF centre… there was none! So they told me to go change her in one of the scanning rooms that was free – so we went in and stunk the place out. It crossed my mind that E was on the table where I found out about my last miscarriage. Very odd.
Thankfully there weren’t any women waiting in the waiting room – I felt really self-conscious taking her in there as I remember sitting in that room many times hoping like a hell a woman with a baby wouldn’t come in when I was just entering my WTF appointment in a haze of depression and ‘why-me’s’.
So in we go and the first thing the FS says is ‘gee she looks like you!’ – I had to remind her that she was a donor egg baby and laughed. ‘Well you chose well’ she said… yes, either that or you forgot to familiarise yourself with my notes… but anyway we are off again – I had a blood test to see where my hormones were at, got my scripts for Syna*rel, progyno*va and clexa*ne – am booked in for a endo scratch on the 4th May and that’s that! Now I’m just waiting to go and enjoying what may be my last pregnancy free days of my body feeling normal. I went for my usual Thai massage this morning – I haven’t had one in over 12 months – I’d forgotten just how brutal they are when I had a little woman kneeling on my back digging her knees into my shoulder blades. I would have killed for that when I was pregnant with burning pain across my back and shoulders, so I savored every excruciating minute.
I keep fluctuating between being positive about this cycle and being convinced it won’t work – but I figure my chances with one pre-blast, and one 4AB embryo are still a 90% higher than with my old eggs – I keep reminding myself that the donor was 22, and a lot of women I know who have done donor egg transfers (even with frozen eggs) have seen success so why not me. And to be honest, I won’t be devastated if it is a negative result. Disappointed, yes but devastated, no. We have E and I know we will do one more cycle if it comes to that … but I really would like a 100% genetically related sibling for E.
In other news E is a lot better thankfully – we had a rough night last night but that’s been the exception rather than the rule these days. She’s still difficult at times, but what 4 month old isn’t but the wind and reflux are nothing like they used to be. She’s 21 weeks now and I tried starting her on solids but I think she’s still a bit too young for it – we’ve either had constipation or the return of the tummy pains, so I’m going to give it a couple more weeks and try her on some pureed veg again. I do give her pureed pears if she’s constipated but that’s more medicinal than anything else. She’s now found she can gargle her own saliva and thinks this is the greatest thing EVER and will do it for hours. That trick came about while hubby was overseas so it was something to delight him on his return. And just on that trip away – I would like to take my hat off to every single mother out there. I really don’t know how you do it!! I had to have my routine so bloody regimented while the husband was away for fear that the whole thing would fall apart. Parenting solo is very hard work.
So my period returned in late March and I feel good that it came on naturally – now I’m just waiting for her again and I’ll start my meds. Not really looking forward to that but you do what you have to right?
So my next cycle is booked in – transfer in Cape Town on June 3rd. I happened to luck upon sale flights over with South African Airways too which is always very helpful. Normally I’d fly Singapore because we have points with them, but they were $750 more expensive at the moment. Now all I need is my period. That’s the one thing that’s concerning me the most, so I have tried to put my FS appointment ahead and have gone on her cancellation list, so hopefully I’ll get something in the next couple of weeks. I’m hoping we can try to induce my period with provera if it’s not shown up by April. No one seems to be able to answer this question for me.
I won’t be taking the baby with me when I go, it’s just far too stressful for both of us the way she is at the moment, although she will be 28 weeks by then or 23 weeks corrected so hopefully (fingers crossed) the feeding will be a lot easier. My husband works from home and his mother lives only 5 mins drive up the road so he’ll just re-locate there during the days and evenings and she can help out with baby while he is working. She’ll be glad to have the company I’m sure, although after seeing her first stint of babysitting last week where we collected a hysterical child with a wet outfit on and a nappy on backwards, I’m glad hubby will be there too. And while they are doing that – I’ll be sleeping in my hotel room like a cat!
I also am getting my dietary results this week – I retested for the GTT, I was supposed to do it 6w post birth, but I just couldn’t face it and wanted to have a holiday free of dietary restrictions. Well the results are in and they are abnormal (I kinda had a sneaking suspicion they would be which is why I probably put off re doing the test) so I’m off to see the GP this afternoon to get the bad news.
I also did my gastroscopy yesterday for coeliac disease and should have the results Monday – I really, really, really hope I don’t have coeliac. To have coeliac and diabetes…. well I may as well get a lap band and eat purees as all joy for food and cooking will go out the window. I used to be a chef, so love to cook… probably too much.
In good news, my hands are improving! I’ve been having dry needling done once a fortnight for about a month now and I’ve seen great improvement. I’d say they are 95% better – I just get little twinges mostly first thing in the morning now – not all day long. So that’s a positive right?