Hard Times…

I’m not sure if this post belongs on my baby making blog or my weight loss blog? I’ve been a bit up and down lately and angry a lot of the time. My husband has mentioned it a couple of times, like ‘why are you so grumpy?’, I honestly don’t mean to be but I’ve been in a lot of physical pain the last week or so – started with a 5 day migraine, then my neck went out for 2 days. I’m also really struggling with the whole letting go of trying to conceive thing. After 5 years of intensive IVF or donor egg cycles it’s hard to just stop. Especially when we wanted another baby and our last two donor egg cycles failed. I think I’m finding it harder to cope with this than I thought I would.  Then I have to stop and think, do I actually want another baby, like really deep down within myself I question it, the financial cost and just the toll it took on my body, what would our quality of life be with two kids? I mean my husband is on a very good wage and when I’m working mine is a above average but we are just making ends meet on his wage at the moment. I really don’t know how people do it…

All of these emotions have been exacerbated in the last two days because E’s donor agency emailed on Friday night to see how we were and if we were interested in cycling again because, wait for it, E’s donor is ready to cycle again now. I wanted nothing more than to cycle with her in Sept but at the time we were organising it she’d just had a baby and wanted to breastfeed etc. and indicated she wouldn’t be ready until March or so next year so we went with another donor. And here we are. It’s just a bit of a kick in the guts really.

I’m also selling of E’s baby stuff on ebay, I think this is adding to my grief and making the finality of it all so much harder.

I think I’m just dealing with a lot emotionally right now and I don’t know how well I’m coping when I’m normally so bloody good at coping with this sort of stuff.

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2 thoughts on “Hard Times…

  1. Im sorry you are having a hard time emski. But dont be too hard on yourself. You are only human and you have gone through more then the avaerage woman. And you mentioned you are usually able to handle things so well, but maybe you have been strong for too long that your body is tired. When i was having a hard time figuring out my next step i was told by someone that maybe i didnt need a plan at that moment. That was hard for me because i always have to have a plan. So i tried not having a plan until i felt comfortable with my plan if that makes sense. I guess i stopped thinking about it all for a couple of weeks, and then one day i woke up with my new plan and i felt good with it. What a shit about your donor wanting to donate now, that would make me angry too. I hope you feel better soon. I know the girls from bubhub miss you, they were talking about your fantastic comments like jootsy! I heard it today, and i think it originates from you? Xx

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