Hard Times…

I’m not sure if this post belongs on my baby making blog or my weight loss blog? I’ve been a bit up and down lately and angry a lot of the time. My husband has mentioned it a couple of times, like ‘why are you so grumpy?’, I honestly don’t mean to be but I’ve been in a lot of physical pain the last week or so – started with a 5 day migraine, then my neck went out for 2 days. I’m also really struggling with the whole letting go of trying to conceive thing. After 5 years of intensive IVF or donor egg cycles it’s hard to just stop. Especially when we wanted another baby and our last two donor egg cycles failed. I think I’m finding it harder to cope with this than I thought I would.  Then I have to stop and think, do I actually want another baby, like really deep down within myself I question it, the financial cost and just the toll it took on my body, what would our quality of life be with two kids? I mean my husband is on a very good wage and when I’m working mine is a above average but we are just making ends meet on his wage at the moment. I really don’t know how people do it…

All of these emotions have been exacerbated in the last two days because E’s donor agency emailed on Friday night to see how we were and if we were interested in cycling again because, wait for it, E’s donor is ready to cycle again now. I wanted nothing more than to cycle with her in Sept but at the time we were organising it she’d just had a baby and wanted to breastfeed etc. and indicated she wouldn’t be ready until March or so next year so we went with another donor. And here we are. It’s just a bit of a kick in the guts really.

I’m also selling of E’s baby stuff on ebay, I think this is adding to my grief and making the finality of it all so much harder.

I think I’m just dealing with a lot emotionally right now and I don’t know how well I’m coping when I’m normally so bloody good at coping with this sort of stuff.

There is a Light and it Never Goes Out…

It’s been harder than I anticipated to step off the IVF band wagon. When you’ve been doing something, no make that consumed by something for 5 years, it’s hard to simply tip your hat and bid it adieu.

I know we can’t go again at least for the next 12 months so I need to take a break but I really really can’t bring myself to say ‘that’s it, I’m done for good’.  My husband’s only real concern is our age. I’m currently 43, he’s 39 – in passing he’ll mention number 2 in conversation, or say ‘if we change our minds’ so I think given some breathing room and with my hopefully improved health post weight-loss surgery, he will come around to going again.

I’d never understood the angst of secondary infertility until now… I figured, you’ve got one, what’s your problem lady? And to a large degree that is true and I think that about myself… but there is an underlying want to give E a sibling for her future. It’s probably not helped this week by the fact that we are simply running out of room in this tiny house and I’ve had to start posting things for sale on Gumtree etc. I can’t quite bring myself to do the 00000 clothes and up but will have to soon *sniff*  I’m starting with bouncers and swings and working my way into her super cute clothing.