Emski’s Losing It

If anyone is interested, I’ll be blogging about my weight loss surgery over here Emski’s Losing It . I have no idea how to intergrate two blogs into one here on wordpress… seems like something you should be able to do? If anyone knows, drop me a line.

In the meantime, this blog will be taking a little break while we get back to our lives for a little while. I have a feeling it’s only a hiatus though so stay tuned.

Emski x



So it’s a negative still at 8dp5dt – if we got a positive overnight before my BT tomorrow it would be a miracle and I don’t necessarily believe in miracles. So I think I pretty much came to terms with it not working yesterday (and finally slept last night as a result) my husband on the other hand only started to process it last night. He said he barely slept and was upset about the baby… it breaks my heart. This was to be the last roll of the ivf dice. This morning he started talking about trying again with E’s donor next year. The thing is we are broke, we are living from pay check to pay check and have no savings left (IVF will do that to you!) the only way we could do this last cycle was that Grandma gave us 10k to facilitate it. We had a quick talk about things – we have the 2 frosties, but in all honesty they are both 3ABs and to me it’s not worth the time, money or effort to do that trip again for 2 x 3ABs when we didn’t get a positive on a fresh cycle with them. I have a confession to make, I actually found out who our donor was not long after locking her in and paying our money – she had some pretty identifying things in her profile, and while everything checked out with her in that she was lovely, kind and who she said she was, in every second photo she had a beer in her hand. I can’t help think that booze combined with the fact that she was in a long term relationship using no contraception, had no pregnancies, crazy high AMH that she had compromised eggs. But you find this out later I guess right?

So here is my plan … I’m having my weightloss surgery by January (God knows where we will come up with that $5k but we will find a work around). I’ll go back to work in January, we will pay down our current debt, I need 18 months to recuperate from WLS as well. I mentioned to my husband we could potentially ask E’s donor to donate again when she is ready next year do a freeze all cycle with his sperm we have over there and then I return for a 4 day FET once my 18 months is up for recovery. The only flaw in all of this is that I would be 45/46 for the potential baby. This is the thing that my husband has issue with.  I’ll give him a couple of months to think about things. As I said to him, I could feel like 25 after I lose this weight – in fact I’m sure I’ll feel a hell of a lot better.

In that time, we may get over it all…. or maybe we won’t?

Losing Hope…

Here we are at 7dp5dt again and my tests are still negative. I thought I saw a shadow of a shadow on an internet cheapie at 4am (yes 4am) but the next test was stark bold white and so was the FRER.

I’m having to ease myself into thinking this probably hasn’t worked.  That E will be an only child and I’ll have to adjust my reality of what our life will be.  It’s not helping that I’ve had approx 9 hours sleep since leaving Cape Town on Sunday night – I’m just up all night thinking and this morning, crying. I don’t often cry in all of this but it’s getting the better of me tonight/today.

I Wish She Didn’t Say That…

I emailed the clinic yesterday for an update on whether we had any embryos make it to freezing. The embryologist was quick at getting back to me to say we had two 3AB Blastocycsts frozen, then she went on to say we’d transferred 2 x 3AB embryos the other day. So pretty average quality.  I was pretty positive before I read that, and now not so much… I also noticed on the embryoscope there was no ‘expanding’ of the blasts before the video ended… so here I am mulling things over. I know some bad looking embryos make some good looking babies and all that but at the moment I’m a bit deflated. 3dp5dt now and we leave tomorrow morning so the POAS marathon will start when we get home.

Transfer Day – Take 2

Oh my goodness it’s been an eventful couple of days – it started yesterday with what was supposed to be a relaxing pamper morning for me, we headed to the local upmarket mall, I was getting a massage and hubby a haircut. I went in and he went for a wander with the baby in the pram. Well when I came out he was all shaken up, seems there was an armed jewelry heist in the center and he was not more than 50 meters from where it all went down. The robbers let of smoke bombs and were waving guns around. Meanwhile I’m downstairs in a dark room being slathered in shea butter and whale music. Poor bugger – he took off with the baby to the nearest exit. The police were on the scene pretty quickly with AK47’s etc.  Hubby comes to collect me and I’m all jellylike relaxed and he’s wound up tighter than a cheap watch.

So the rest of yesterday was spent at home and taking it very quietly. It’s pretty uncommon in that area for that sort of thing to happen so everyone was a bit taken aback, it was front page news today.

And today was transfer day take 2 – we have two blastocysts on board and likely we will have two to freeze as well (we should get the call tomorrow to confirm) we used the embryoscope which is on offer now so here is a video of the kids, totally awesome stuff hey?

The rest of today I will do my post transfer ritual of a Doris Day movie and maybe Bridesmaids just to get those feelgood hormones going. So it’s feet up and thinking positive thoughts until the two weeks crazies start in about 24 hours.

Leap of Faith…


And so we’re going for it – I was all Valium-ed up, bladder full and ready to be told it was going to be a day 3 transfer when my doctor called us in to look at the embryoscope. 3 are doing well he said and one slightly behind but he expects we would have at least 2 on day 5 to transfer. So we booked in for midday transfer on Wednesday and off we went. Very relieved that we’ll get our day 5 after all. We will leave Cape Town knowing we’ve done all we can now.

D Day and V Day…

Is it wrong that I’m really looking forward to 10mgs of Valium this morning?

I’ve woken up early because the baby was grizzling in the cot (5.30am thank you very much) she’s subsequently gone back to sleep and I’m having a sneaky cup of tea and alone time downstairs.

It’s possible transfer day today and according to one very well regarded fertility specialist in Australia it’s advisable to have 10mgs of Valium an hour prior to transfer to relax the uterus (he also advises a nip of whiskey or brandy for blood flow but it’s a bit early in the day even for me) . We could potentially be having our transfer today so I have to cover all bases and take that Valium at 9am. If those 4 embryos are looking great and we decide to go to day 5, well I’ll just be very vague for the rest of the day and do it all again on Wed! If we do transfer today then it’s back to the couch and some trashy rom coms for me.

I have to say my husband is loving this as it’s also recommended to have sex the night before/day of transfer to prime the uterus with sperm so he’s really making sure we cover that base. Poor bugger has been a bit deprived since the baby arrived. Can’t say it’s ever on my ‘to do’ list anymore. I’m hoping once all the drugs stop and I drop some weight things will equalise in this department.

If I’m completely honest, I’m really not holding much hope for these embryos – I’m not entirely sure why but call it gut feel. I’m fully expecting to get in there today and they will say that all of them have arrested. If this does happen we will be offered frozen eggs from the egg bank and a different donor I’m pretty sure – everyone gets a transfer at CFC and that’s part of the reason I use them. I can’t help wondering now, what was thinking choosing a 25 year old donor who has a long term boyfriend,uses no contraception and has never been pregnant? You get all this info on their profile by the way, but I didn’t twig that this could be an issue until we were well into the process. I had her AMH tested and it came back on the high end of the scale, her resting follicle count was good. But I’ve had this nagging feeling about the fact there’s never been a ‘whoops’ moment with someone sexually active not using contraception. Just like me, the infertile. Anyway – there’s nothing for it now… we have to see this through.

Not sure what we’ll walk in to at 10am but I know I’m still not emotionally caught up in all of this – I’m practical, methodical, tactical, but not emotional. Now pass me that valium.