CD1

And the bitch is back. AF that is, not me. Woke up to her this morning which meant Synarel for breakfast …mmm yum.

It’s funny how much past experiences shape how you cope with current experiences, you see the last time I started my donor cycle, AF showed up for about 8 hours and then went AWOL, so now I’m paranoid that’s going to happen again. Running through my head are the words Just keep bleeding… never thought that phrase would be my personal mantra but today it is.

Getting geared up for my flight and excited now – bought myself some DIY moulded earphones from the States to try to make the flight more bearable. That will be my project tonight, moulding my own ears with hubby’s help – could be interesting! I’ve also ordered what is supposed to be the best travel pillow ever http://bit.ly/1GxvgbQ (will let you know how that goes), a 3D eye mask that has indents (or is  it outdents) for your eyes so you don’t have fabric rubbing on your eyeballs and therefore sleep better. I also have my compression stockings from my C section, and have been organising hours of movies & TV shows for my SD card for phone/laptop/tablet, have bought an extra battery for my phone so can swap it out if need be. I’m considering buying a money belt for this trip as I will be solo and slightly paranoid about that.

Anyway – considering I feel a bit like crap today – I’m also a bit excited that the show is on the road!

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Countdown….

Not long to go now – a month really…. I find my mind is more and more on the trip and I’m laying awake at night thinking of stupid things, like how will I get around in Cape Town by myself? Last time we hired a car and hubby would shuttle me anywhere I wanted to go or to appointments. This time I’m solo and I’m a slightly nervous solo traveller and I’ve never been overseas alone.  All the ladies on the forums are saying use Uber but I’m not sure I would feel 100% safe using Uber (anyone’s experiences would be appreciated!). I’m sure the hotel I’m staying at can recommend a reputable taxi company. Trouble is a lot of the things I need to do are only really 10 mins walk from the hotel… but again, I’m not sure if walking in the back streets Cape Town (even if in broad daylight) by myself as a woman would be safe.  So these are the things keeping me up… stupid.

I’m also dreading the flight over and back – it’s pretty hard going. Last time we flew Singapore airlines and it was a 9 hour trip to Singapore then a 11 hour flight to J’berg, stayed on the plane while they refuelled and then a 2 hour flight to Cape Town.

This time I’m going South African Airways – a 5 hour flight to Perth (3 hours on the ground) then a 11 hour flight to Jberg (1.5 hours on the ground) then 2 hours to Cape Town. So more time between flights – I think I actually prefer this with my Factor V – even though it means longer traveling time, I can walk around between flights and get my circulation going properly again. Either way I’m going to be a zombie when I get there and when I get home.

So still no AF – my cycles are wacky at the best of times, and according to my ‘old’ cycle before the miscarriage and before pregnancy it was averaging about 32 days – I was coming up near that last week and I thought ‘hmmm maybe I should get my baseline bloods done in case I’ve not ovulated.. don’t want to be stressing about AF being late when I am due to start the pill by May 6th’ so I phoned my FS office and got the referral and thank god I did as I hadn’t yet ovulated meaning AF was not on her way. So I started Provera  5 days ago now, last pill taken this morning and hopefully AF will show around next weekend.  All this in turn has moved my endometrial scratch out to May 18th…  but now that I’m popping pills, it really does feel like this cycle has started.

Is it wrong of me to say I’m looking forward to some time alone?  I think anyone who has just gone through the first 5 month of life with a very difficult baby would shout emphatically NO!! Trouble is, E is now in really delightful stage… no more wind, no more reflux, is mostly happy when she’s awake, smiles up a storm, thinks she is the funniest thing going now as she’s discovered how to blow raspberries and does it non stop!  I’ll miss her like crazy – but I’m also going to relish my time alone…  there will not be much sight seeing for me this trip… unless you count the hotel day spa.  It will be dinners and lunches down stairs in the hotels restaurants and gardens, a trip to the shopping mall where I plan to have this 2 hour treatment done – Metamorphasis  – http://rainafrica.com/spa/#rain-spa-treatments  – it’s basically a body scrub, massage that ends with being tickled by ostrich feathers.  I once said to my hubby, if I could just pay someone to tickle me with feathers (without any funny business) I’d get that over a massage any day.  So my dreams have come true. I’ll take a couple of trips into the V&A for lunch or dinner, but that will be the extent of my travels.

I’m staying at the same hotel again, the lovely Vineyard. I really can’t recommend this hotel enough for anyone going over there who is looking for quieter accommodation not far from CFC. http://www.vineyard.co.za/  the staff are fantastic, the food in all locations is brilliant and the best part is they have acres of beautifully landscaped grounds to go for a walk (or jog if you’re that way inclined) or just sit under a tree and people watch…. oh and the breakfast is brilliant!

So anyway – I’m getting excited about the trip… scared it might not work and the whole trip is for nothing, but also petrified it might work too well and we might end up with twins… (renovating and extending this tiny house we are in is my next project… I always need a project to keep me busy mentally)…  But in about 6 weeks we’ll all know the outcome won’t we?

Waiting for the man…

Ahem… long time no type hey? But I figured we all needed a rest from me saying… I FINALLY feel like my body is back to its pre-pregnancy (albeit unfit) self. Yada yada yada. But guess what? I finally feel like my body is back to its pre-pregnancy unfit state! My hair has stopped falling out, my dicky knee is no longer dicky (unless I get down on that bloody stupid mat at mother’s group), hands are what they used to be and *fanfare* AF returned! So I’m cycling again… well not right now but will be in approximately two weeks.

I had my appointment with my fertility specialist in late March – I had to take the baby with me as hubby was overseas (and wasn’t that the longest two weeks of my life!) so I had no other option. I’d been out with friends for coffee in the morning and I’d teed up that a few weeks before knowing baby is at her best in the mid morning and slightly feral in the afternoons, so that’s how I’ve learned to schedule my days.  Husband was given virtually no notice as per usual that he had to go to Europe and the specialist moved my appointment. So it was their fault really when we rocked up to her Marie Claire style office with E screaming her lungs out and a full stinky nappy. I asked where I might find baby change facilities in a hospital that is also an IVF centre… there was none! So they told me to go change her in one of the scanning rooms that was free – so we went in and stunk the place out. It crossed my mind that E was on the table where I found out about my last miscarriage. Very odd.

Thankfully there weren’t any women waiting in the waiting room – I felt really self-conscious taking her in there as I remember sitting in that room many times hoping like a hell a woman with a baby wouldn’t come in when I was just entering my WTF appointment in a haze of depression and ‘why-me’s’.

So in we go and the first thing the FS says is ‘gee she looks like you!’ – I had to remind her that she was a donor egg baby and laughed. ‘Well you chose well’ she said… yes, either that or you forgot to familiarise yourself with my notes… but anyway we are off again – I had a blood test to see where my hormones were at, got my scripts for Syna*rel, progyno*va and clexa*ne – am booked in for a endo scratch on the 4th May and that’s that! Now I’m just waiting to go and enjoying what may be my last pregnancy free days of my body feeling normal. I went for my usual Thai massage this morning – I haven’t had one in over 12 months – I’d forgotten just how brutal they are when I had a little woman kneeling on my back digging her knees into my shoulder blades. I would have killed for that when I was pregnant with burning pain across my back and shoulders, so I savored every excruciating minute.

I keep fluctuating between being positive about this cycle and being convinced it won’t work – but I figure my chances with one pre-blast, and one 4AB embryo are still a 90% higher than with my old eggs – I keep reminding myself that the donor was 22, and a lot of women I know who have done donor egg transfers (even with frozen eggs) have seen success so why not me. And to be honest, I won’t be devastated if it is a negative result. Disappointed, yes but devastated, no. We have E and I know we will do one more cycle if it comes to that … but I really would like a 100% genetically related sibling for E.

In other news E is a lot better thankfully – we had a rough night last night but that’s been the exception rather than the rule these days.  She’s still difficult at times, but what 4 month old isn’t but the wind and reflux are nothing like they used to be. She’s 21 weeks now and I tried starting her on solids but I think she’s still a bit too young for it – we’ve either had constipation or the return of the tummy pains, so I’m going to give it a couple more weeks and try her on some pureed veg again. I do give her pureed pears if she’s constipated but that’s more medicinal than anything else.  She’s now found she can gargle her own saliva and thinks this is the greatest thing EVER and will do it for hours. That trick came about while hubby was overseas so it was something to delight him on his return. And just on that trip away – I would like to take my hat off to every single mother out there. I really don’t know how you do it!! I had to have my routine so bloody regimented while the husband was away for fear that the whole thing would fall apart. Parenting solo is very hard work.

So my period returned in late March and I feel good that it came on naturally – now I’m just waiting for her again and I’ll start my meds. Not really looking forward to that but you do what you have to right?