Approaching 43

Yes, forty bloody three. I have to say up until about two weeks ago I was feeling every bit of it too. But something weird has happened since then, I think my pregnancy hormones have finally totally dissipated. I finished breastfeeding early in the new year so it’s taken this long to feel completely ‘normal’. My tendonitis has pretty much completely gone in both hands, my dicky knee is not as sore, my hair has started falling out en-masse which really thickened up during pregnancy. I also got really bitchy to be around for a week or so there (poor hubby). I have more energy and am generally happier.  Just in time to cycle again in two months hehe.  It’s not lost on me that I’ll likely only have one month of feeling totally back to normal before I start on estrogen/synarel again for my cycle in late May.

I’ve not become anxious about the cycle yet – it is far different to the first trip and while there’s a lot riding on it monetarily, I always have E to come home to so I don’t feel as anxious emotionally about it all. I also know that should it fail we will return for another cycle by the end of the year.  It would be fantastic if we didn’t have to, but if need be we’ll go again, and if at that point we are unsuccessful, we’ll call it a day on this ttc caper. So I guess because there’s no feeling of finality to this cycle, there is also no feeling of anxiety.

I’m seeing my specialist next week to get everything checked out, I’d be really interested to see where my hormones are at. I’ve still not had a period and I stopped breastfeeding around Jan 1, so I’m hoping we’ll get me on some provera to get things going in the right direction.

Husband is off to Amsterdam on Saturday – and E is now a bit more manageable and happy in herself so I’m not petrified of being left alone with her for two weeks straight. There is no way we would have gotten her passport organised in the time frame we had so she and I will just stay home and hang out.  I always have Grandma up the road to take her if I want to escape to lunch by myself one day or just need a break, but given how much fun she has been in the last 4 or so days, I’ll want to keep her to myself.

Advertisements

Testing…

So I had all my dietary testing done over the last couple of weeks. Good news – I do not have coeliac disease! Yay. Bad news, I have pre-diabetes. Boo. But I’d take pre-diabetes over coeliac any day.

So I really now have to get my diet in order. I would like to lose a few kgs before cycling again and hopefully getting pregnant again – I did lose 13kgs in my pregnancy (don’t worry, I’m fat and can afford to lose 13kgs two more times!) but have put on 4kgs since having E. I have found eating well with a baby is not all that easy. I LOVE cooking, but sometimes it’s all I can do to chuck a frozen lasagna in the oven and cobble together a green salad. I need to have a meal plan, get a little more organised, and now that autumn has finally hit, move more by going for walks with her in the day time. June 3 is fast approaching and I would like to lost 1/2 kg – 1kg a week between now and then, which would equate to 6-13 kgs… maybe I can log that here too and keep myself accountable. If anyone has a low Gi / Diabetes diet plan they can recommend please let me know.

Chaos.

Well the last few weeks have been harrowing. Our Pediatrician was right when she said in E’s 6w examination ‘she’s not going to be an easy baby’. Understatement.

I think we reached our crescendo on Thursday night with E screaming her head off non stop all day – reaching critical cat fight impersonation cry just as we sat down to a dinner it took me hours to prepare given the stop/start nature of the whole day of tending to her all day, massaging, cajoling, bathing, patting, shooshing, cuddling, playing etc. when she should have been sleeping at least 2 of those hours to re-charge, but no…. Here we were us three around the dinner table (well, E is literally on the dinner table in her bouncer) in between us near the salt and pepper, husband and I opposite each other, E screaming her head off at fever pitch and me in tears weeping at the table. Good times! This had been the accumulation of almost a month where we have more days like this than not. I think on this day, I’d reached rock bottom.

I have to say here, my husband is an absolute champion – I think he must really wish now he had an office to escape to in the city. He works from home, which for me is an absolute blessing with a baby like E, but for him, I’m not sure how much work he’s getting done, given that her favourite spot and one of the few that seems to calm her during one of these outbursts is laying face down across his lap with her head hanging over the edge of his knee. He then has to try to type over her and pat her on the bum for reassurance every minute or so.  Not very practical.  I also should point out that thankfully (and I’m aware how lucky I am here) she does sleep like an angel at night – we are averaging now – down at 7.30pm and I wake her around 11.30 for a quick bottle and straight back to bed (never much protest here) where she’ll sleep right through until 7.30pm. I have to get up a couple of times in the night when she starts to grizzle to put the dummy in her mouth, but she settles right back down again. If she didn’t sleep at night I think I’d be in the loony bin by now.

We have had numerous doctors check her over by the way – and there’s nothing they can do when she is just colicy etc. it’s a ‘grow out of it’ scenario, which is sad because it has me willing away these early days with my baby when I should be savouring squishy cuddles. But to bypass these stomach issues for her, I’ll will it away.

I don’t think I have PND – I just think I have a difficult baby. Fast forward to yesterday – husband really took the reigns bless him and was up for the 7.30am feed, shuffled me off to a farmers market with my sister for the morning, took her to Grandmas, fed E all day until the last feed last night, tended her, bathed her, played with her and just let me relax, watch movies and knock off a bottle of red. E in turn slept all day yesterday between feeds and playing – so I’m hoping (once again) that we have turned a corner.

Husband announced that he thinks he will have to head to Amsterdam for work soon. Stupidly he announced this on that night where I wept at the dinner table (maybe this is why I wept). The thought of 2 weeks alone with the baby when she is like this 24/7 struck the fear of God into me. I just don’t know how I would handle having to deal with those outbursts by myself for so long. I’d lose my wingman and the thought is petrifying me. “It’s ok” he said “mum can come down and give you a hand”.  Christ, please no! I know she means well, but that would shit me to tears having her here ‘helping’ me when all she does is get up into E’s face cooing and tickling her feet when I’m trying to settle her etc. or her backwards compliments/insults about ‘how we didn’t used to do that and our babies turned out ok’. So the next morning I rushed out and applied for E’s passport. I tell you if this trip is over 2 weeks, we are going with him for my sanity.