7 Weeks

I was convinced it was all over in the days following my scan last week – my symptoms seem so mild to the point that some parts of the day I don’t have any. No morning sickness to report really – mild queasiness every now and then. But none of the hanging over the toilet nausea and vomiting I’d been warned about.  I guess I should be thankful.  I’m still cramping on and off – I’ve noticed it’s worse after a larger meal like dinner. So tonight I’ll try and break my dinner up into to smaller portions – I can always go back if I’m hungry at 10pm, there’s nothing in the rule book to say I can’t!

Yesterday was our 7 week scan – I was a bag of nerves and as I said, convinced there wouldn’t be a heartbeat (to the point where I’d been looking at donors again the night before). I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but that bleed really scared me and I’m finding it hard to believe that any baby could survive that kind of trauma. But it did.  I was 7 weeks 1 day yesterday and the peanut was measuring 6w5days – the sonographer said this was fine +/- 5 days is considered normal and considering the peanut is on Cape Town time, it’s really only 7 weeks bang on. Heart rate was 144 which is also good. No sign of the bleed either, so no SCH visible. I did however spot after the ultrasound – so I’m still taking it very easy.

So now I breathe for another week… my next scan is on the 6th.

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Reprieve

Thankfully at my emergency scan the baby and heart beat were seen. The OB did say it looked a bit smaller than 6+3, which of course is what I am now fixated on. When I described to him what had happened the previous night he agreed that it was likely a miscarriage, so we were both a little surprised to see the sac and flicker on the screen.  He only did an external ultrasound so I’m not exactly sure how accurate it is, I know even a 1/4 of an inch can equal a few days in terms of measuring dates on these things.  He advised that I’m not out of the woods and I am pretty aware of that – always erring on the side of the negative as opposed to the positive in these situations, but that seeing a heart beat is a very reassuring thing.  I’ve been ordered onto a week of bed rest and I already had what was supposed to be my first scan booked on Tues at my old IVF clinic’s ultrasound practice so I’m holding out for that appointment as they are much more experienced in early pregnancy scans than the OB who would normally only see me from 9-10 weeks. 

I’m a little concerned my boobs don’t seem as painful, and my queasiness is not as pronounced as it was on Tues – there is always something to worry about in this caper. I also wonder if perhaps two of the embryos attached and I miscarried one? The OB said there’s no way to know now… I’ve stopped the clexane and the bleeding has now stopped completely which is such a relief at this stage I think I’d rather risk a clot from the estrogen to bleeding my baby out. The OB agreed that I should go off it for a while and take it from there. 

I’ll try to ring the ultrasound clinic tomorrow to see if any spots have freed up on Monday or earlier, perhaps if I explain my situation they might take pity on me and squeeze me in. I’d just really like to get an ‘expert’ scan done. If not, it’s just one more day right. *sigh*. 

Numb.

I’m pretty sure I had a miscarriage last night.  I am 6w3d today and at 6 weeks according to the SA treatment plan I was to start alternating the PIO shots every other day with 2 x Crin.one gel, which I diligently started on Mon. Tues pm I noticed some spotting so of course put it down to the change in the progesterone support.  We have a long weekend coming up here and my 7 week scan is scheduled for the Tuesday after, but I didn’t want to endure so long with even a hint of uncertainty so I moved hell or high water yesterday to get in for a beta first thing.

Wednesday I had a full day on the road, travelling about 2.5hours from home so was out all day – I noticed in the early afternoon I was cramping a little so decided to call my fertility specialist who advised I should cease clexane, and try to get an urgent scan with my newly signed OB if I was spotting and cramping on and off. So feeling a little over the top I did phone the OB yesterday thankfully – and managed to squeeze in for a scan today in the morning. More faffing about in the early evening to get the referral etc. and in the meantime my beta results came back at 19778 which is great and within the ‘normal’ range given it’s been 7 days since my last beta and I felt a little better… but not for long.  By 7pm the cramping had gotten a lot worse and the spotting had become light bleeding. By 8 there were small clots and by 9pm larger 50 cent piece sized clots, at 9.30 I went to the toilet and I don’t know what just came out of me in a gush – after that the cramping eased off and I managed to finally get some sleep after what had been an incredibly mentally exhausting day.  This morning I’m back to spotting and I’m not exactly sure where I stand. I’m pretty sure it’s all over – my scan is at 11.15 and I’ve had to blow off another meeting at work today that I am supposed to be running. Which means I’ve once again had to call my boss to tell her what’s happening.

Oddly I’m not as upset as I thought I would be – no tears, no hysterics…nothing like last time. My husband and I spoke and if it’s a miscarriage we’ll sell some shares and get back on the horse as soon as possible and go again.  I’m detached and practical. Maybe the hysterics will come later.

 

Easter Break

Oops, been a bit slack on the ol’posting lately. Sorry about that. 

Everything is looking good though, had my 3rd beta last Wednesday and it came back at 3720 so more than doubling every 48 hours over the prior 7 days. This was music to my ears as it’s where we fell down with the last pregnancy. So since that result I have relaxed somewhat and decided to just enjoy this experience for now as much as I can. I feel that I should be more excited at times, but I’m always going to be apprehensive I’ve decided, I’ve just got to accept that. 

For the most part – I’ve had very little symptoms: my boobs hurt on and off (hurting like buggery today!), slight queasiness on and off, but nothing like the hangovers I’ve endured in my youth (or even late 30’s) … and I’m sleeping pretty damn well, until I have to pee a few times a night. My main ailment is my incredibly sore arse from the progesterone in oil shots. I’m so sore now my hubby has to give me an ‘arse massage’ with arnica oil every night to try to move the hard oil deposits into the muscle. It’s not sexy let me tell you, but it helps! 

I’m 6 weeks tomorrow and approaching my 7 week scan on the 29th. Truth be told, I’m already slightly nervous about that, thankfully it’s booked in for the afternoon as I don’t think I’ll be able to face any work after having it.  I have a feeling pregnancy is going to be like this the whole way through, little milestones preempted with apprehension and excitement.

I’ve had to start thinking about the ‘practicalities’ of  having a baby too. I had picked an OB out who was recommended by my fertility specialist and booked in with her. But now I’m having second thoughts. Turns out she is probably one most expensive OB’s in Melbourne with her out of pocket costs being $6,500. But on top of that she is going on holiday around the 15th of Dec. I’ve so far been given an estimated due date of 14th to 17 Dec. So I could potentially be paying all that cost for someone who won’t even be there on the day.  So I think I will try another OB who delivers at the same hospital so I can keep my spot there and move over to someone who won’t be taking leave in Dec. It makes sense in more ways than one. 

 

The Ghosts of Miscarriages Past…

Ok so I’ve only had one miscarriage but it is having a more profound effect on me than I thought it would now that I am pregnant again. To even write that feels weird at the moment as it still doesn’t feel quite real.  But I can’t help but fret, worry and compare this early pregnancy with my unsuccessful early pregnancy. I have to keep reminding myself that that pregnancy was a baby with two chromosonal abnormalities, this (in all likelihood) is not.

My second beta came through yesterday at 212, so just off the doubling point by 10. The GP was happy with this and in theory I should be happy with this but I still have that persistent worry in the back of my mind. It’s not quite doubling… should I be worried. My last one didn’t double in the time frame required. Why do I have to do another test in a week? My boobs don’t seem so sore…  yada yada yada.

At this point I’m jealous of The Unexpected Trip who embarked on a ‘numberless cycle’ and I’m wishing I had done the same, rather than googling my hcg level for the DPO I am ad nauseum after getting my results yesterday

I think once I get through this next beta and the first early scan I will relax somewhat from where I am at right now. It will be at that point that I’ll eclipse the ghost of miscarriages past and be moving into new and unexplored territory. Until then I think I have to accept that I’m just going to worry and that this fear is normal.  I have however, vowed to myself that I will not google one more time on hcg levels and will just ask the GP to let me know for the next call if it’s ok, or not and to post the results in a letter. I can open the letter much later and inform the clinic in SA (they request this info for their records). But for now I don’t need to know. Right now I need to take things easy, be kind to myself and this little peanut and get off google.

We are heading to our farm this weekend and I am really looking forward to it – I need a rainy weekend, cups of (low caffeine) tea,  no man made noise, vast mountainous views and nature.

 

 

Drumroll please…

My beta is in and it’s 111! If I was into numerology I’d be looking that up, but I’m not. 

It was a good day all round yesterday. The previous night, my insomniac phase came to an end and has now been replaced by the HCG-oh-my-god-I’m-so-tired-in-the-afternoon-I-could-sleep-on-a-barbed-wire-fence phase, so I’d gone to bed at 7.30pm and woke up at 6am bright as a button! 

I pity the poor GP I went to see, I go to a women’s clinic and normally see my favourite doctor every time, but she is on maternity leave and I was desperate for an early morning appointment, so I just took a random. Poor woman. 

In I march at 9am and order 2 x HCG Quantitative tests referrals including progesterone levels, a viability scan referral to use at 6/7 weeks and 2 x referrals to my preferred OB’s.   Her first question? “What was the date of your last menstrual period”, and I said, “well that doesn’t really matter, it we weren’t using my eggs – you go by retrieval date”.  I could almost see the cogs turning, “Sorry,” I said, “it’s a lot to take in first thing in the morning but I’m 4 weeks exactly”.  She laughed. “The IVF veterans know exactly what they need and when ” I said. 

So I left there with all I requested, she was actually pretty nice, but I think she couldn’t quite get her head around the whole donor egg concept, let alone going to South Africa to do it. Oh the obliviousness of the fertiles. She rang at about 3.30 with my results, “It’s 111, so you are pregnant, that number seems ok…” thanks Einstein, I’ll take 111 at 13dpo over my last 42 at 15 dpo any day, it is well within range.  So I am officially up the duff. Yippee! My cramps also subsided until about 1pm yesterday so I was feeling great (if not symptom-less until then) I really wish they would go away. It feels so much like AF is about to show up I actually used a pad as I had to go out on the road for work and couldn’t stand feeling ‘unprotected’ so to speak. 

 After work I got home and was soooo crabby. My poor husband copped my shortness more than once. I kept apologising after I’d snap at him. “Sorry… I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m tired!”  and he’s just skulk back to his office, poor bugger.  I ended up falling asleep at 7.30 on the couch and only woke up to drag myself to bed. So the early pregnancy exhaustion has well and truly set in. 

So now I’m desperate to ring and see if my preferred OB is available to take me on. They get snapped up so quick here, but I’ll hold off until the second beta results are in… otherwise it feels a bit jinxy. 

So happy days people! Tomorrow is the tough day, waiting for that hideous follow-up beta. But for today I am pregnant. 

6DP5DT – Bleeding

I’m having flashbacks to my last own egg pregnancy, but even with that one I didn’t bleed at all until the night before my D&C at about 8.5 weeks.

I’ve had barely any sleep since returning home from SA on Thursday night. Once I saw a second line my mind was racing. both with the wonderful possibilities and the the paralyzing fear of failure that only a positive home pregnancy test and a crapload of jetlag can bring a few days before your beta.

I was only sleeping in two hour increments, then I would wake up bolt upright and not be able to go back to sleep. On Friday night I slept from 10 pm until midnight, then I was wide awake until 2 pm the next day. Ridiculous. Trust me it wasn’t for the lack of lying down in dark comfy spaces, nor the lack of lavender oil, absolutely no coffee and only low caffeine tea as my new beverage of choice. But wide awake I was. And then there was blood on the toilet paper at 3am.

My rational mind was cool with it. It’s only a pink tinge, I wouldn’t really call that blood. Perfectly natural, there’s so much burrowing and snuggling in going on in your uterus, it’s bound to happen. Go back to bed.

And so I did. And thought about that bleeding…

Fast forward to about 1 pm Saturday, in the toilet again and this time there was blood and not tingey blood you can palm off. Blood. Mind you I was kind of checking for it but it wasn’t hard to find. Cue major overtired/emotional freakout  with tears and doomsday outlook. I ended up turning to my forum support network for reassurance and the girls rallied . I also contacted the clinic in SA to see if they would suggest anything like perhaps upping my progesterone. But I knew they would say it was a ‘wait and see until beta’ situation and they did. They also said it’s quite common and could be caused by implantation.  My rational head knows all this. My newly pregnant, freak-out-is-this-a-chemical state of mind doesn’t give a shit so I use a Crinone – I’m currently on Gestone injections as my progesterone support and I’ve never used it before.  I’ve heard you can’t have too much progesterone, but you can have too little, so I think fuck it, what’s the harm using Crinone twice until I can do beta and speak to my doctor on Monday morning.

And the bleeding seems to have stopped.  I’m having mild cramping, pulling, tugging still on and off. But after five hour solid sleep on Saturday night it seems to have settled right down. As has my mind. Somewhat.

My FRER evil pee-sticks are growing gradually darker which is reassuring (especially as I’m using diluted as crap pee given my longest stint of sleeping was 2 hours prior to tonight), but my fears is they are uber sensitive and will pick up anything, I think I’ll go out and buy some Clearblue Digitals tomorrow and see the outcome from them.

So you see, dear reader. I’m right back in this pre-beta hell that I was with my own pregnancy back in Nov, but this time with added bleeding! I have to remind myself, these little embies are 22 years old, not 42 so therefore stronger and more robust (surely?) I like to visualise them headbutting their way into my uterine wall and moshing around once there in all their youthful glory, whereas my old geriatric embryos shuffled in with a Zimmer frame in time for a game of canasta and a Harvey Wallbanger.

Monday cannot come quick enough.